dave's blog

Installing the track for the drawer of your IKEA desk backwards so that the drawer opens in toward the wall and not out toward you.

Picking up a prostitute that you thought was a woman but turned out to be a tranny.

Picking up a prostitute that you thought was a tranny but turned out to be a regular old boring chick.

Removing a patient's right leg during surgery when it was actually the left leg that needed amputating.

Joining the Church of Scientology.

Giving Dr. Phil a TV show.

These are MISTAKES.

Chocolate or vanilla.

Chicken or fish.

Red or white.

Peanut butter and jelly or Nutella and marshmallow fluff.

Smoking or non-smoking.

Fake goatee or hula hoop.

Falcon Crest reruns or closed-circuit footage of your cousin grooming a cat.

These are OPTIONS.

Don’t know what they are?

Options are choices.

Thou shalt not kill.

Don’t drink and drive.

He who smelt it dealt it.

These are all LAWS.

Don’t know what they are?

Laws are rules and customs that society agrees to abide by for the common good.

You might be saying, “But, Dave T, I live in a post-apocalyptic anarchic society where there are no rules.”

To you I say, “When you jump in the air, do you land again?”

Your hiney.

Your bum.

Your tushbottom.

Your rump shaker.

Your moneymaker.

Your ass.

Your posterior.

Your behind.

Your fanny.

Your derriere.

Your hindquarters.

Your keister.

Your upside-down back boobs.

These are all words for your BUTTS.

Don’t know what they are?

Butts are those fleshy mounds on your back under your spine but above your legs.

Male.

Female.

Shemale.

Hermaphrodite.

Asexual being with a smooth Ken-Doll-nub for a crotch.

These are SEXES.

Don’t know what they are?

Sexes are determined by your crotch. If your crotch is a sticky-out pen-shaped thing, you’re a male. If it’s a floral-themed cave area, you’re a female. If you have a pen but boobies, you’re a shemale. If you have a pen with a cave under it, you’re a hermaphrodite.

8:16 a.m.

4:32 p.m.

Noon

Midnight

0800 hours

These are TIMES.

Don’t know what they are?

Times are a measurement of the passing of time. For the purposes of this article, we will be discussing the measurement of times and not time itself. I can’t wrap my mind around the idea of existence outside of time.

The check is in the mail.

Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

I swear this is the first time this has ever happened to me.

Those pants make you look way skinny.

How old am I?... 27.

Of course I’m a virgin.

I did not… have… sexual… relations with that woman.
(That’s for you, Republicans!)

Everything G.W. ever said.
(That’s for you, Democrats, Independents, Green Party members, Whigs, and the like!)

That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
(That’s for you, paranoid conspiracy theorists!)

Oswald acted alone.

At the end of a long day, you come home. You watch some TV, maybe read a book. Or work on your ship in a bottle. Or cut letters out of a magazine to make a ransom note.

Then you get into your pajamas, or just a T-shirt and undies, or just nakedness, and you get into bed. You shut the light. You close your eyes. You drift away.

You wake up in the morning. Or, if you work nights, maybe you wake up in the afternoon. You could really wake up at any point in the day.

And you do this pretty much every day of your life.

Asians are bad drivers.

Asians are good at math.

All Italians are in the mob.

Italians are great lovers.

All Irish people are alcoholics.

Irish people are friends with leprechauns and know the whereabouts of various pots of gold around the world.

Ecuadorians can’t correctly use any word longer than five letters.

Lithuanian people explode if you hug them too forcefully.

If you tip back a Zimbabwean’s head, giant Pez comes out of his or her neck.

Robots don’t like the sound of running water.

Martians are obsessed with American boy bands, particularly 98 Degrees.

Cats and dogs.

Cops and robbers.

Vampires and vampire slayers.

Super heroes and villains.

Ex-girlfriends and new girlfriends.

The mean jocks¹ in high school who picked on you because you threw like a girl and because you were smarter than they were and they knew one day you’d be somebody and they’d be washed up.