dave's blog

BOO!

Didn’t expect that to be the first word of this blog entry did you? That’s what makes it a SURPRISE.

Don’t know what it is?

A surprise is something you don’t see coming. It is the unexpected. The end.

Pros:

Have you ever had a cold? The flu? A sinus infection? Cancer? A coma? Measles? Mumples? Chicken Pox? Malaria? Bubonic plague? Leprosy? Diarrhea? Chlamydia?*

If you have, then you’ve experienced SICKNESS.

Don’t know what it is?

Are there other people around you?

If not, keep doin' what you're doin', and skip to Paragraph 4.

Eat some food. Any kind of food you like. Wash it down with some water. Wait. Feel that sensation in your butthole that says “There are occupants in here that wish to evacuate your premises?” Go to a bathroom. Close the door behind you. Drop your pants and underpants. Sit on the toilet. Push down with your stomach while concentrating on your butthole. Stuff will come out. Stand up and behold the brown snake in the bowl (or the black snake, or the yellow thin snake, or the broken up water bits of unsnakeliness).

This is POOPS

The first time I kissed a girl.

The first time I sang onstage in a for-serious way.

The last time I saw my grandmother.

The first day of college.

The first time I touched a boob.

The twelfth time I drove across the Walt Whitman Bridge.

The day I got my license and drove by myself.

The second time I touched a boob.

The cold dark day when I realized I could never be a robot. Oh, October 8, 2007!

The only time I let Freddy Hiccups cut my hair.

These are MEMORIES

There are three vowels that, when strung together, mean something that sucks: I O U.

I'm talking about DEBTS

Don’t know what they are?

Merriam Webster defines debt as “something owed.” Simple enough.

The country is in financial peril. Subprime loans tanked Wall Street. At the moment I type this sentence, the national debt is $11,821,600,143,482.00! Almost twelve trillion clams. But not clams. American dollars.

Teacher

Lawyer

Doctor

Firefighter

Professional Fart Blamer

Hitman

Taste Tester

Dancing Telegramist

Runaway Bride

Scrubbing Bubble

These are JOBS.

Don’t know what they are?

Jobs are things people do. Some are careers. Some are just ways to make money for food, clothing, and shelters. Some are responsibilities that don’t pay monies but are rewarding.

Bob Doondloff

Marcy Clemps

Illignian Horsony

Tilben M. Bottledwater

88 Destiny

Frank Penismonster

Roe Stbeef

Reston Yourlaurels

Fart Tootsalot

These are NAMES.

Don’t know what they are?

Names are what people and things are called. This article will focus on people names.

Pros:

I know you think that your pet goldfish, Bronson Pinchot as Balki, went down the toilet into a wonderful world where all fish who’ve grown too big for their bowls swim together in magic fluorescent pipes that connect the entire world.

He didn’t.

He had a DEATH.

Don’t know what it is?

I’m never going to find true love.

I missed out on the best opportunity of my life and it won’t come around again.

I’m going to choke on a cookie when no one’s around to give me the Heimlich.

A pedophile will kidnap my daughter at the playground.

Freddy Krueger is going to slash me up in my dreams.

These are FEARS.

Don’t know what they are?