I've been in the same spot for hours. I think it's still Sunday. I haven't eaten since this morning. I don’t have my phone. If I did I would dial 911 because this is an emergency. I have this overwhelming urge to throw up but I’m trying my hardest to keep it together. The hallucinations have stopped but I don’t know for how long. They could come back at any minute. Sweat is burning my eyes. I try to wipe my forehead but I’m sweating profusely. I don’t know if I’m going to make it out of here alive. The only thing I can do--is pray.
I’m just going to cut to the chase. I’ve been single for twelve years, ok. Yes, I’m serious, stop laughing. My last girlfriend was in high school. We never went out on a date. I don’t count field trips or the times I took her to subway and she didn’t want me to buy her any cookies. 12 years ago in March, we broke up. I was going to college and back in them days, we didn’t have cell phones or cars. Actually, we had cars but I didn’t have one at the time. Anyway, I’m rambling. Long story short, March is my twelve year anniversary of being a single man. Guess what? Being single sucks.
Take a look at the picture above. Yup, that’s me after a game of Kings. I know what you’re thinking. That is a really nice ottoman. I know but it’s not even mine.
Blacking out isn’t fun anymore. The first few times it’s funny. You wake up… Find your pants… Ask your friends what happened ...Get a recap… Everyone’s LOLing. Fun right? Yeah, laugh it up. You won’t be laughing after the 3rd time. The 3rd time is when you try to convince yourself to stop drinking... but it never works.
1. Selflessness – The #1 attribute of a great WingMan is remembering, it’s not about you. Don’t be selfish. Don’t try and steal your boy’s shine. You signed up for this. Don’t walk the walk, if you can’t talk to the unattractive friend.
2. Charm – Charm the Hello Kitty panties right off these women. Don’t worry. This can be done, even if you’re not the most attractive person on the short bus. A good sense of humor works 100% 60% of the time. Make them love you.