Big Wheel Blog: 

We scoured the web, well mostly Etsy, for the best (pronounced worst) gift ideas you should have gotten for your Valentine.

Maybe you should have started your Valentine off with this beautiful card from England. She is sure to love the balding resemblance to herself and her bushy eastern European man eyebrows. If your hair looks like his, you should probably just be happy she doesn't have a unibrow.
While she is still reeling from the amazing card, whip out this beauty. I'm not sure why, but it is advertised as a Valentine's necklace. Maybe the Barnum & Bailey party going on around her neck will ease her into that "love swing" you just installed from the living room ceiling. Keep your fingers crossed that she is Canadian, because apparently they are into wearing trapeze artists with jewels hanging from their boobs around their necks.
If you are giving your girl a necklace, she's going to need to accessorize! Make sure to add an amazing, anatomically correct, handmade heart hair pin like this one. Just to be safe, try complimenting it with a nice post-it note identifying it as a heart and/or hair pin. Not that it doesn't totally look like one.
Now that you have wowed her with all your gifts, it is time to treat her to a romantic dinner. Now this step is going to require some preparation and a lot of bacon eating. Click on the picture to the left to learn how to make your own bacon fat candle. They say you can melt it and drip it over your food, but don't use it all up. You may want to save some for the final gift when you head to the bedroom.
After you have your lovely date well fed, it's time to make the magic happen. There's no better way to say "I love you" than with matching sequined underwear. Now hopefully you've saved some bacon fat candle from the last present, because if she's the kind of girl who is into matching panties, you can probably get some extra use out of that candle. P.S. You should definitely click on the link, because the pictures of the "product" get much creepier.
**click pictures for more info on each gift**