Larry's near death experience!!!

I've been in the same spot for hours. I think it's still Sunday. I haven't eaten since this morning. I don’t have my phone. If I did I would dial 911 because this is an emergency. I have this overwhelming urge to throw up but I’m trying my hardest to keep it together. The hallucinations have stopped but I don’t know for how long. They could come back at any minute. Sweat is burning my eyes. I try to wipe my forehead but I’m sweating profusely. I don’t know if I’m going to make it out of here alive. The only thing I can do--is pray.

“Dear GOD, Jesus, the holy ghost, or Tim Tebow. To whomever gets this first. I know we normally never see eye to eye and sometimes I can be a little hard headed BUT if you help me get off this TOILET, I will change. I can’t feel my legs. I have red marks on my quads from my elbows when I lean over. Please help me because I think…I think the Devil is in my bowels and he doesn’t want to come out. Please don’t let me leave this earth like this. What’s the medical term for shitting yourself to death? Anyway, I don’t want my mom to bury me with the toilet stuck to my ass. Help me LAWD! My ass fell asleep 3 hours ago. It might be in a coma or something. This is me asking for forgiveness. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Tebow for saying Peyton Manning was going to make you hold a clipboard this season. I’m sorry for laughing at the little African kids with the big stomachs. I’m sorry for all my jokes about Precious stealing the chicken. I’m sorry for laughing at the people in church when they would shout and sometimes pass out. I want to live. I want to see Christina Milian’s gorgeous face again. I want to watch Isis Taylor pornos one last time. I want to hang out with Justin Bieber so I can get laid by the soccer mom’s that listen to his music. If you are listening…help me. AMEN!”