Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Enemies
Cats and dogs.
Cops and robbers.
Vampires and vampire slayers.
Super heroes and villains.
Ex-girlfriends and new girlfriends.
The mean jocks1 in high school who picked on you because you threw like a girl and because you were smarter than they were and they knew one day you’d be somebody and they’d be washed up.
The mean hot girls2 in high school who picked on you because you had bad skin or were heavyset or didn’t wear the latest fashions and they knew one day you’d be somebody and they’d be stuck with eight kids they didn’t want and multiple venereal diseases.
The nerds who hated the hot girls and jocks.3
The conservatives who think liberals are ruining this country by lobbying for more government spending, universal healthcare, and other socialist nonsense.
The liberals who think conservatives are trying to make the rich richer and the poor poorer and use family values and a fake patriotism (that is actually veiled racism) as a smokescreen to get votes from Middle America.
Crack for a crack addict.
Chocolate cake for a fatty.
Reality TV for people who enjoy intellectual stimulation.
A toddler’s birthday party for a recovering pedophile.
These are natural ENEMIES.
Don’t know what they are?
Enemies are people who antagonize you or wish you harm or try to block you from doing something you want to do. Enemies are also things that can cause you harm, like poison, disease, drugs, predators, etc.
• Enemies challenge us to step up our game. They give us purpose. What would Superman be without Lex Luthor? Batman without the Joker? Tom without Jerry? Seinfeld without Newman? Spy without spy?
• When enemies become friends, it’s a special event that makes you even happier than just becoming friends with a stranger. It’s also one of my favorite movie moments, when the bad guy and the good guy team up to fight a common enemy: “Look, Chevor, I know you slept with my wife. You know I drowned your nephews. But if we don’t join forces right now, these aliens disguised as Dachshunds are gonna kill us all by chewing through our Achilles tendons and then slurping our brains out of our noses once we fall down.”4
• Without the word enemy, we might never have had the group Public Enemy, and then we’d never have been entertained by the wonderful Flavor Flav, and then I'd never have worn an oversize clock necklace in fifth and sixth grade.
• Without any kind of enemy, there would be no conflict in the world, and that would mean VIDEO GAMES WOULD MAKE NO SENSE AT ALL! I couldn’t live in that world.
• Enemies can lead to improvements in society. A lot of the technology we come up with for war ends up enhancing our lives. Without espionage and war, I would’ve have a GPS in my car that guides me places by mispronouncing words as simple as “Broad.”
• I do stand up comedy now, and a heckler yelling out gives me a chance to destroy him with a good comeback like “Oh yeah? So’s your face!” or “The last time I heard that line I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur!” and win the admiration of an audience.
• Sometimes enemies are also attractive, and you end up having hate sex with them. Hate sex offers all the sweating, moaning, and thrusting of sex without all the affection, quality time, and other hassles of love.
Total Pros: 7
• Enemies can bring out the worst in you: your jealousy, your insecurities, your malice, your scrunched up angry face that makes you look like a California Raisin giving birth.
• The word “frenemies” is so awful it gives me a pain in the tooth.
• Without enemies, we would have no reason for war, and then we could all hang loose and be cool.
• Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy, and that leads to a miserable life.
• Hecklers can throw a comedian off his or her rhythm and ruin a set that was going swimmingly.
• Human enemies can stab you until you die, shoot you until you die, poison you until you die, or blow you up until you explode to death.
• Non-human enemies can make you die too. Things like poisonous snakes, angry bears, actual hungry hungry hippos, too much heroin, not enough insulin, etc.
Total Cons: 7
So, 7 Pros, 7 Cons, it’s a coin flip. And I’m sure it’s no surprise to my loyal readers that when in doubt, I err on the side of something still existing. So enemies, you live to see another day. But I will see you in hell, I promise you that!5
‘Til next time, Ciao!
1 I added “mean” to jocks so that you nice jocks out there know I’m not talking about you. Some jocks were nice to me, like Doug T, whom I tutored in math. True story.
2 I added “mean” to hot girls so that you nice hotties out there know I’m not talking about you. Some hotties were nice to me, like Deanna S, whom I tutored in math. True story.
3 No qualifiers here because all nerds hated all jocks and hotties universally because we had chips on our shoulders from being picked on, shunned, and occasionally set on fire. We thought the ones who were nice to us (see footnotes above) were just taking pity.
4 This is an excerpt from my new screenplay Wiener Dogs: The Reckoning
5 I just now realized that this means I’m also going to hell. Crap.