Dave T’s Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Water

Big Wheel Blog: 

Okay, so, welcome to my new column, “Dave T’s Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has.”

Our first item: WATER.

Don’t know what it is?

You don’t know what water is? How the heck did you get an internet provider to come out and install a modem or Cable/DSL connection or wireless hot spot under a rock?

Water is a clear liquid. It’s composed of two hydrogen molecules covalently bonded to an oxygen molecule. But if you don’t know what water is, you probably don’t know what those other words mean either. You may not be able to read at all. In which case, the following would make as much sense to you as the rest of my piece: glingle marppey stawed booglsy plurr misxzx slaj mcruwquiff.

Seventy percent of our bodies is composed of water. Seventy percent of the Earth’s surface is water. This is the best evidence for my theory that the Earth is actually a huge, round, blue-green dude who moves super-slowly.


• Water is necessary for survival. If you don’t drink it, you totally die.

• It has zero calories, so if you’re dieting, it’s your go-to belly-filler.

• When a girl has on a white T-shirt and no bra, and you want to learn more about the shape of her boobies and her nipple situation (dark, light, wide areola circumference, not-wide areola circumference, really-sticky-outy, not-so-sticky-outy), you just get some of this water stuff and pour it on the front of her shirt. Depending on the context, you might not get slapped and arrested for this.

• Swimming!!!!

• You need water for bathing, and bathing makes you smell nice, which opens several doors on a daily basis.

• If we didn’t have water, then when Jennifer Beals pulled that cord during her striptease in Flashdance, something less hot like feathers or bubbles or Styrofoam peanuts would’ve fallen. Oh, wait, you need water for bubbles! So just feathers or Styrofoam peanuts. Lame.

• You need water for beer, wine, soda, lemonade, water ice, ice cream, and all foods. These are delicious.

Total Pros: 7


• Water doesn’t really have a taste. And when it does have a taste, that taste is usually metallic or salty, and that’s no good.

• Water is now expensive. It should be all kinds of free to drink and always clean. Also, how can you make me pay to go swimming in the ocean? Yeah, I’m talking to you, Margate, New Jersey! The ocean is God’s pool, so unless you’re giving Him a cut, you’re stealing from God. Is it really worth eternal hellfire? Is it, Margate, New Jersey?

• Most of the spin-off products are weird. Like vitamin water. It’s not as tasty as soda, not as ubiquitous as regular water. Just not for me.

• Too much water can drown you. Even drinking too much water can kill you (it causes water intoxication, which can be fatal, so try not to drink over two gallons of water in ten minutes).

• Hard waters (tsunamis, hurricanes, etc.) kill lots of people and ruin lots of properties.

Total Cons: 5

So, 7 Pros, 5 Cons, water is a keeper. Drink it, bathe in it, swim in it, love it.

‘Til next time, Ciao!

Dave T

Dave Terruso is half of the sketch comedy duo Animosity Pierre. Check them out at Helium Comedy Club on April 15.