Dave T’s Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Belly Buttons

Big Wheel Blog: 

Lift up your shirt. If you have on an undershirt, lift that as well. Ladies, if you’re wearing Spanx, push them down to your waist. Gentlemen, if you’re wearing Spanx, stop it. Now look at the middle of your belly about three-quarters of the way down. See that hole? Don’t rush to the ER. That’s your BELLY BUTTON.

Don’t know what it is?

The belly button, also known as the navel or umbilicus, is a scar on the abdomen caused by the severing of the umbilical cord. The scar takes the form of either a depression in the skin (innie) or a protrusion (outtie). All placental mammals have belly buttons, though fur hides them on most animals. So the next time you see a chimpanzee, shave its belly and then show it the button it may never have noticed. Don’t have a chimp handy? Shave your dog or cat! You’ll find a long thin scar right under its ribcage.


• Belly buttons give babies something to point at, which helps them develop hand-to-eye coordination.

• When a girl with a sweet body has a belly button ring or a jewel stuck in it, that’s hot and exotic and often slutty.

• In the future when human clones live among us, we’ll be able to tell who they are by their lack of a belly button. (Note: people who needed stomach surgery at birth for an umbilical hernia, or a condition known as gastroschisis, don’t have belly buttons either, so if you’re a clone bigot, make sure you ask about this possibility before yelling epithets or spray painting “God hates clones” on someone’s house.)

• Drawing a face on your belly and wearing a torso-sized hat on your top half and whistling is hilarious. Without the belly button, you have no mouth!

• All kinds of surgeries can be performed through the belly button now that leave little or no scar.

• Body shots!!!!!

• Since they’re scars, they look different even on identical twins, so they help each twin have his or her own identity.

• Along with nipples, the belly button breaks up the monotony of the chest, so it doesn’t look like a bumpy sheet cake. Or worse, a hairy bumpy sheet cake.

Total Pros: 8


• Belly button lint.

• Girls with flabby bellies who have belly button rings because they think it looks hot but it actually accents the flab of the tummy and the droop of the button.

Total Cons: 2

Wow, our first landslide!!! 8 to 2. Man, belly buttons are awesome. I might look into getting a second one.

‘Til next time, Ciao!
Dave T

Dave Terruso is half of the sketch comedy duo Animosity Pierre. Check them out at Helium Comedy Club on April 15.