Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Dreams
I’m not talking about your dream of curing cancer and being honored the world over with statues, monuments, and all kinds of free sh*t. I’m not talking about your dream of being able to fly so you’ll never have to drive the Schuylkill Expressway ever again. I’m not talking about your dream of getting to act opposite a Muppet in a Hollywood film. I’m talking about actual DREAMS.
Don’t know what they are?
Dreams are images, sounds, and emotions experienced by the brain during sleep. The biological function of dreams remains a mystery. A typical human being spends six years of her life dreaming, so I guess a typical dog spends 42 years of her life dreaming, which explains why dogs are so happy.
Pros:
• As a writer, I often have a creative block that I can’t push through. And then I have myself a dreamy dream and poof! get my answer. Also, sometimes I get a good idea for a story from a dream.
• Dreams give us a chance to do things we’ll never get to do in real life, like fly, sing like Taylor Dayne, or successfully asskick a dozen ninja-tigers.
• Sometimes, when you’re lonely, a sex dream is a very satisfying event that gives you the panoramic experience of coital blisses.
• Dreams are often filled with hilarious inconsistencies that make for fun stories. “So, we were in church, but it was a giant salt shaker. And I was jarring beets with my Aunt Rita, but the beets were Barack Obama bobbleheads—just the heads. And Aunt Rita was the Where’s The Beef lady. And the jars were sippy cups. And I had lobster claws for hands. And the church organist was Little Richard. And he was playing a breadstick organ. And he was playing an instrumental version of “Walk The Dinosaur” by Was (Not Was)…”
Total Pros: 4
Cons:
• A really sad dream can ruin your whole day, even if it’s not based in reality at all. You wake up feeling uneasy and it stays with you all day. And a really scary dream that you wake up from in the middle of the night can make it impossible to fall back to sleep.
• A really really good dream can ruin your whole day. In the dream, you had hit the lottery for a billion dollars and were testing your new eco-friendly jet pack. (Yes, this is the third mention of flying in this article. I want to fly so bad!) Then your alarm goes off and you realize you have to get up and dress like Uncle Sam and try to persuade people to buy an appliance.
• Dreams can make you mad at your spouse or significant other, who really did not have sex with your sister on top of you, moaning “She’s way hotter than you! Smaller waist and bigger bosoms!” Who would do such a thing? No one says bosoms.
• A good sex dream about someone you don’t find attractive can lead to you suddenly being attracted to that undesirable person. I once had a hot dream about the vending machine at work, and that day I found myself hoping it would spit my crinkled dollar back out so I could slip it back in the slot. Awful.
• The purpose of sleep is rest. But sometimes you have a terrifying dream where you’re running and jumping and escaping, and you wake up exhausted. Boo to that.
Total Cons: 5
So, 4 Pros, 5 Cons. But, you know what, I'm sticking with dreams. Despite being a frequent nightmare-haver, I know that dreams are an important part of the human condition, and I like being a human.
Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech would've been less effective if it had been called "I Have a Neat Idea."
'Til next time, Ciao!
Dave T
Dave Terruso is half of the sketch comedy duo Animosity Pierre.