Dave T’s Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Clothes

But, Dave, you say (before I’ve even written a word, I might add), I am a nudist, and I never wear clothes, so this is not a stuff everyone has. And I say to you: nonsense. I say: poppycock. I say: pshaw. I say: hogwash. At some point in every human’s life, he or she has worn CLOTHES.

The only way that I might concede to you having never worn a stitch is if you have naked in your name. If your legal name is Naked Danny Buchanan, then I can believe your story of a full life without clothes. The existence of such a human being notwithstanding, on with the article…

Don’t know what they are?

Clothes are items that cover your body.

Included are: dress shirts, polos, camisoles, tank tops, half tops, dress pants, jeans, shorts, skirts, skorts, culottes, dress shoes, sneakers, jellies, high heels, sandals, socks, scarves, hats, caps, visors, bras, panties, tighty whities, boxers, ties, belts, swim trunks, bikinis, etc., etc.

For the purpose of this article, jewelry and piercings will be considered accessories and not actual clothes.

Pros:

• I don’t want to see about 28% of the female population nude, and about 100% of the male population.

• Tiny baby clothes are really cute and funny.

• The way bras lift and push together can often make boobs look even more appealing than they do when fully exposed.

• Special-occasion clothing can help set the tone for an event. Most of us are more well-behaved in a tux or gown than we are in sweat pants. Uniforms can lend authority. It would be hard to listen to what a cop was saying if you could see the tufts of hair on his shoulders. Cops going undercover would be quite difficult, as would superheroes having alter egos.

• Clothes are a necessary component of strip teases. Without them, strippers would need other people to cover them up with their hands and then remove those hands one at a time. Dancing whilst doing this would be nigh impossible.

• If there were no more clothes tomorrow, the global economy would implode.

• Clothes allow many people to express themselves. Even if they are expressing “I don’t give a turd about how I look.”

• Clothes protect us from lots of germs. If someone with a dirty crotch and butt sits in a bus seat naked, and you later sit in that seat naked, you’re in a bad way.

• Halloween costumes would be tough without clothes. It would just be makeup and wigs.

• Without clothes, all the people who live in cold places would die a painful death.

• Without clothes, there would be no mannequins. Which is fine. But then there never would’ve been the films Mannequin and Mannequin 2: On The Move. That is NOT fine. At all.

• Without the bright blue polo shirts and khaki pants, how would we know who the employees were at Best Buy? And that’s just one example of many!

• Without clothes, magicians wouldn’t be able to perform many tricks. The standard phrase “nothing up my sleeves” wouldn’t work. And pulling a rabbit out of a box or a basket just isn’t as cool.

• Without clothes, sexual harassment in the workplace would be out of control.

• Without clothes, guys would be embarrassed several times a day about their for-no-apparent-reason boners.

• Without clothes, we’d need to wear a lot of sunscreen. Plus, there’s the risk of getting sunburn on your whoosywhat. And if we spend any significant time outdoors our whole bodies may end up looking like Robert Redford’s neck by the time we’re 40.

• Space suits count as clothes. So, without clothes, humans wouldn’t be able to walk on the moon. Only Superman and Zod and other Kryptonians could do it.

Total Pros: 17

Cons:

• I hate shows like America’s Next Top Model and What Not to Wear. Watching them makes me dumber. And few things are as annoying as best- and worst-dressed lists and the shows where petty people dissect the wardrobes of celebrities and people with real talent.

• If there had never been clothes, all the people who work in clothing--fashion designers, seamstresses, tailors, shirt-folders, etc.--could work together to cure diseases or something else to better the planet. (I'm not saying those jobs are not important now; they are. I'm just saying if there were no clothes, they wouldn't be important anymore.)

• Socks with sandals, a business suit and Reeboks, women’s shoulder pads, those tiny tank tops with spaghetti straps that body builders wear, he-capris, popped collars, monokinis, jean shorts, enormous white T-shirts, baggy pants hanging so low you see a dude’s boxers, white guys in African dashikis, white guys in Rastafarian clothes, under-armor for anyone not participating in an athletic event, etc.

• Being forced to wear a suit to work blows. So do the suits Christian parents force their kids to wear on Easter. (My mother used to dress my brother and me like elderly pimps. Three-piece gray suits, big fur-collared coats, Jeff caps.)
[Peoples of other religious backgrounds: please share your own horror stories in the comments section.]

• Without clothes, that 72 % of women I want to see naked would be naked all the time!!! I could pay the tax of also having to see the undesirables.

Total Cons: 5

So, 17 pros, 5 cons. I’m not surprised that this is our second blowout. I don’t like fashion at all, but I love clothes. I am not a huge fan of being naked. I’m not showering in cut-off jean shorts, but I’m not far off from there.

So keep on wearing clothes, blogosphere!

'Til next time, Ciao!
Dave T

Dave Terruso is half of the sketch comedy duo Animosity Pierre.