Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Lies
The check is in the mail.
Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
I swear this is the first time this has ever happened to me.
Those pants make you look way skinny.
How old am I?... 27.
Of course I’m a virgin.
I did not… have… sexual… relations with that woman.
(That’s for you, Republicans!)
Everything G.W. ever said.
(That’s for you, Democrats, Independents, Green Party members, Whigs, and the like!)
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
(That’s for you, paranoid conspiracy theorists!)
Oswald acted alone.
(That’s for you, absolutely correct conspiracy theorists!)
(That’s for you, Fundamentalist goofballs!)
Yeah, this hall pass is for the pool on the roof. I’ll sell it to you for ten dollars.
These are LIES.
Don’t know what they are?
A lie is a false statement, but the stater states that the statement is true.
You may be saying to yourself, “But, Dave, I have never told a lie. Therefore, this is not a stuff everyone has.”
To you I say, “You’re a $%*#ing liar! Shut your evil, duplicitous face hole before I caulk it shut and pinch your nose closed until you expire. Jerk.”
[Note to reader: Don’t $%*# with my blog unless you are ready to throw down.]
• Obviously, some lies are beneficial for people’s emotions. If you ask me if you’re ugly, and I can’t lie to you, and you happen to look like the baboon that went through the transporter in The Fly and came out inside out, then I am just going to ruin your day with honesty.
• No lies means no surprises. Check out my pros on that topic.
• Without lies, lawyers would be out of a job (Uncle Jack, that was for you). And so would scam artists, like fake psychics (yes, I believe there are real psychics, but there are also fakies), fake faith healers, phone sex operators, etc.
• I am an avid poker player. Bluffing is a form of lying. Without bluffing, poker would be less fun than Uno (granted, Uno is very fun).
“What do you have?”
“Well then I fold.”
• Without lying, a guy wouldn’t be able to lie to a pretty girl to impress her so she would go out with him and have a naked necking session with him.
• SPOILER ALERT: If you’re under the age of eight, do not read the rest of this pro!!!!!
Without lies, little kids wouldn’t get to fall asleep grinning with thoughts of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.
If you’re older than eight and still believe in those things, grow the $%*# up already.
If you’re nine, sorry to be the one to ruin Christmas for you, but you needed to find out sooner or later.
• Denial in a traumatic situation can often be the only way to cope. If you’ve been forced by your girlfriend to watch all three Twilight movies back to back, telling your mind that you’re actually watching a Three Stooges marathon will save your brain from turning to mush.
• In a technical sense, fictional stories and jokes and films can be considered lies. We would lose so much entertainment without them. It would be so lame to have to say, “There really wasn’t once a man from Nantucket. Well, there were men from Nantucket, but not this particular one. But for the purposes of this limerick, I’m pretending this one had a giant wiener and…”
Total Pros: 8
• Lies can hurt people’s feelings, tear apart families, break up marriages.
• No lies means no surprises. Check out my cons on that topic.
• Without lying, a pretty girl could be spared from having a naked necking session with a guy that she thought had been the saxophone player for Incubus, only to find out later that Incubus never had a sax player.
• Without lies, everyone who committed a crime and got caught would end up getting a proper punishment. So O.J. Simpson would be in jail where he belongs.
I know he’s in jail anyway, but he’d have been there since 1995 and wouldn’t be eligible for parole ever.
• If you couldn’t lie, and a girl asked you if she had a giant forehead, you would be forced to say yes and then she would finally get some bangs and give everyone’s eyes a break.
• If you lie a lot, no one will believe you when you tell the truth.
At the very least, this can result in wolves eating your flock.
At the very most, you could warn the world that aliens were about to attack earth, and that these aliens had one weakness: they were fatally allergic to Nutella.® And the world ignores you and doesn’t focus all of its resources and manpower on making tons of Nutella® and designing guns and missiles filled with the stuff, and then we all die or become slaves.
• Without lies, Pinocchio would’ve had a really chill life.
Total Cons: 7
So, 8 Pros, 7 Cons, it's pretty close, but lies get to stay.
You know that story about George Washington cutting down the cherry tree as a kid, and his dad was all, “Do you know who cut down that sweet tree?” and George was all, “Dad, I can’t lie to ya, it was me?” It turns out that story is a lie! How ironic is that?
To the man who made up that story, Mason Locke Weems, I say on behalf of all patriotic Americans: go $%*# yourself.
‘Til next time, Ciao!