Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Sexes
Asexual being with a smooth Ken-Doll-nub for a crotch.
These are SEXES.
Don’t know what they are?
Sexes are determined by your crotch. If your crotch is a sticky-out pen-shaped thing, you’re a male. If it’s a floral-themed cave area, you’re a female. If you have a pen but boobies, you’re a shemale. If you have a pen with a cave under it, you’re a hermaphrodite.
I didn’t want to call it genders and open up that philosophical can of worms, so sexes is my word.
For the purposes of this blog entry, imagine a world where there were no men and no women, only people. All with the same equipment, all capable of having babies. (Would we all have both wieners and ‘giners, or some new genital system altogether? I know not.) The question being: would this other world be better than our current world?
• I like doing stuff with just the guys. Poker night mostly. But real guys like sports nights and bachelor parties and other stuff I don’t really care for, and they would be bummed to lose that stuff. Same goes for ladies losing their ladies nights out.
• If there were no sexes and we could all have babies, that would mean that I would have to have a period. I don’t want one!
• Gender reassignment surgery and the hormone treatments that go along with it are a big industry that puts food on a lot of tables.
• Because of sexes, we have hot lesbians. My life would be so bleak if there were no chance of me seeing two women kiss on a given day.
• Without sexes, how would we split things up at a grade school dance without boys and girls? (I guess just A-K on one side and L-Z on the other. Well, that works. Never mind.)
And every time two people wanted to do a formal dance with each other, an argument would ensue over who gets to lead. And that argument could get violent. Deadly even. (Or maybe they’d just flip a coin, Dave. Geez.)
• The amount of great art revolving around men dressing as women or vice versa would never have happened without sexes. To name a few: Twelfth Night, Tootsie, Some Like it Hot, Bosom Buddies, Mrs. Doubtfire, The Bird Cage, Psycho, The Crying Game, Just One of the Boys.
• I would really miss women wearing their sun dresses in the summer. I like girly girls.
Total Pros: 7
• Without sexes, people could buy stuff for their babies without worrying about if they were having a boy or a girl. No need for pink or blue, just get gray and beige stuff! And hand-me-downs would be 100% useful if you had a second child.
• Without sexes, there would be no gender confusion. No one would feel like he was a man trapped in a woman’s body, and wouldn’t have to spend thousands of dollars on risky surgery and hormone treatments.
• Without sexes, women wouldn’t ever get paid less for doing the same job as a man.
• Without sexes, the amount of people you could date would instantly double. Unless you were already bisexual, in which case, it wouldn’t change at all.
• Without sexes, the amount of public restrooms you could use would instantly double. Unless you were already the kind of person who would use either bathroom because you don’t care about society’s rules (or because you can’t read and don’t understand simple pictograms).
• Depending on the new genitals we would have in the single-sex world, it would likely be possible that each person would have the proper apparatus with which to write his or her name in the snow.
• I hated going to an all-boys high school. Left to their own devices, boys turn everything into a farting contest. Also, by the end of the day stranded alone with boys, at a time when a boy’s libido is peaking, I felt like a prisoner: by the afternoon I found myself desperately attracted to the lunch lady who had all her teeth, and a 65-year-old bell-shaped nun.
• Men would finally not have to wait to die in a fire until all the women and children got out. Once the children were out safely, it would be every… person for… itself?
Men wouldn’t feel obligated to pay for everything either. They wouldn’t have to do all the asking out. They wouldn’t have to be the one to drop thousands of dollars on an engagement ring. Egalitarianism would be our default.
• For every great work of art revolving around cross-dressing/gender-bending, there is a terrible work of crap. To name a few: Juwanna Man, Sorority Boys, all the Tyler Perry Madea movies, White Chicks, The Hot Chick, Ladybugs.
• I can’t be positive that what we know as the male and female psyche are tied entirely to genitalia, hormones, and socialization. But if they are, then no more male and female would mean no more chick flicks. We could get rid of the Lifetime Channel altogether.
And women wouldn’t have to deal with stupid macho movies where everything explodes and women only exist to scream, be saved, and show their bazooms.
Total Cons: 10
I am shocked. 7 pros (one of which doesn’t really count), 10 cons. Bye bye sexes.
The thought of world where I don’t smell a woman’s shampoo when I hug her, where I don’t smell her perfume when she passes me, where I don’t watch her tushbottom shift from side to side in a pencil skirt, depresses the living turds out of me. But I guess if I was born into a world where men and women never existed, I wouldn’t know what I was missing.
It’s times like this I’m glad this is just a dumb blog and I’m not in charge of altering our existence. I would suck at that job.
‘Til next time, Ciao!