Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Butts

Big Wheel Blog: 

Your hiney.

Your bum.

Your tushbottom.

Your rump shaker.

Your moneymaker.

Your ass.

Your posterior.

Your behind.

Your fanny.

Your derriere.

Your hindquarters.

Your keister.

Your upside-down back boobs.

These are all words for your BUTTS.

Don’t know what they are?

Butts are those fleshy mounds on your back under your spine but above your legs.

For the purposes of this blog entry, I am only talking about your cheeks. You still have intestines leading to a colon that ends in an anus. The inside of your body is the same.


• If we didn’t have butts, then all farts would come out silently. We would lose an entire genre of comedy.

• I like pinching girls’ butts. It’s awesome. And grandmoms love pinching babies’ butts. So grandmoms and Dave Terrusos would be S.O.L. without butts.

• If we didn’t have butts we wouldn’t be able to say "kiss my ass." We’d have to come up with another body part for that insult, and it might not be as effective. “Oh yeah? Well kiss the nape of neck!”

And that’s only one colorful phrase we’d lose. What about these:

You’re being an ass.

What crawled up your ass and died?

That really chaps my ass.

Your ass is grass.

Cover my ass.

You bet your ass.

Sitting here with my thumb up my ass.

I pulled that one out of my ass.

You’re talking out your ass.

Kicking ass and taking names.1

Pain in the butt.

Butt of the joke.

Work your butt off.

• So much great music has come from butts. Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.” Wreckx-n-Effect’s “Rumpshaker.” E.U.’s “Da Butt.” Akon’s “Smack That.” Mystical’s “Shake Ya Ass.” Groove Armada’s “I See You Baby.” Black Eyed Peas “My Humps.” Bubba Sparxxx’s “Miss New Booty.” K.C. and the Sunshine Band’s “(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty.” Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls.” Trace Adkins “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.”

Okay, so not all of it was great music.

Okay, so some of it doesn’t even meet my minimum requirements for being considered music.

The point is, we’d lose all these songs, and half of them were fun to hear at parties.

• It would probably really hurt to sit if you had no butt. It’s nature’s pillow. And it would really hurt to fall and land on your not-butt.

• Butts make tight pants look good.

• If you’re a bully, you need butts to be able to give wedgies. Also, if bullies weren’t able to snap their towel at a nerd’s butt, they might snap it at a nerd's nards instead.

• Without butts, immature boys and men wouldn’t be able to moon people. We don’t want to limit anyone’s self-expression.

• Without butts, there would be one less place to give dollars to a stripper.

Total Pros: 9


• If we didn’t have butts, then all farts would come out silently. The vibration of the cheeks is what makes a noise. So, if you were confident a fart wasn’t going to smell, you could release it any time, like in the middle of sex or while breaking up with someone or during a eulogy.

• Were it not for butts, the people of Sodom might still be alive today. Well, it would be different people than were alive in biblical times, but there would still be geographic Sodomites out in the world. And probably ditto for Gomorrah. (Yes, technically the hole would still be there, but I just somehow see it being less appealing without the cheeks.) Also, without that cushion-for-the-pushin, it’s possible that guys in prison would have one less thing to worry about.

• For every good butt you see, there are five bad butts. (Yes, I did the math, looking at all 6-billion-plus butts in the world.) There are so many things that can go wrong aesthetically with butts. Saggy butts. Dimply butts. Hairy butts.

Two words: plumber crack.

• For smelly people, crevices are the worst places. They are damp dark places where stinks can hide and grow into funks. No butts would mean no more smelly butt cracks, and also no more possible smells under the two butt flaps.

• For nerds, not having butts means never getting wedgied.

Total Cons: 5

Wow, 9 pros, 5 cons. A landslide with the same score as times. I wonder if butts and times are more similar than I think. Hmmm. Let me try some simple word substitution:

“Bu-u-u-utt is on my si-ide. Yes it is!” That doesn’t work.

“You’re being a total pain in the time!” Nope, that doesn’t work either. Never mind.

Anywho, butts are here to stay.

Also, I kinda hope “upside-down back boobs” falls into common use in the English language thanks to me.

‘Til next time, Ciao!

Dave T

1I find it strange that after kicking someone’s ass, you would get his name.

First off, why linger after you kicked someone’s ass? You could get arrested for assault.

Second off, if you had to get his name after, that means you didn’t know it before, so why are you kicking the ass of some guy you don’t even know? What’d he ever do to you?

I guess what I’m saying is get a guy’s name before you kick his ass.