Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Laws

Big Wheel Blog: 

Thou shalt not kill.

Don’t drink and drive.

He who smelt it dealt it.

These are all LAWS.

Don’t know what they are?

Laws are rules and customs that society agrees to abide by for the common good.

You might be saying, “But, Dave T, I live in a post-apocalyptic anarchic society where there are no rules.”

To you I say, “When you jump in the air, do you land again?”

You reply, “But of course.” (You’re wearing a beret and have a pencil thin mustache and are holding a baguette. Did I mention that?)

“Well, then,” I say, arms folded in pre-gloat glory, “it looks like you abide by the laws of gravity, huh, Mr. Fancypants?”

“You are correct. But please, call me Jacques. My father is Mr. Fancypants.”

This hypothetical conversation is my way of saying I’m including the laws of physics in this blog entry to truly make this a stuff everyone has.


• I’m pretty sure that no laws means no rules. So I wouldn’t be able to be competitive in any of the games I love (poker, Scrabble, Monopoly). Madness would abound without rules.

“If I hold my cards with my left hand, then my nine high beats your straight flush. The pot is mine.”

“QXZCMOO doesn’t have to be a real word. The important thing is I used all seven letters, so that’s a 50 point bonus, and since it was a triple word, that makes this a 158 point play for me.”

“Sorry, guys, but I farted while saying ‘tiger shark.’ I automatically get Boardwalk and Park Place with hotels and five thousand dollars from the bank.”

• Without law, there would be no punishment. Punishment often serves as a deterrent to crime. Without that deterrent, nothing would stop bad people from just walking up and stabkilling me. The most powerful people in the world would be the most evil people. If you would be willing to throw a three-legged puppy at a sleeping baby to get what you want, the world would be your oyster.

That would be a really sh*tty oyster.

• Criminals really seem to enjoy being criminals. If there were no laws, criminals wouldn’t be able to have any fun. Criminals are criminals because they break laws, and you can’t break laws if they don’t exist.

• If we didn’t have the law of gravity, we’d be floating out in space somewhere, and that would make it really difficult to do things like sit down and eat dinner, play freeze tag, or not need a special contraption to not pee in your own face when you have to pee.

• Without law, we’d have a TV series called Order. And Order: SVU. And Order: Intent. (As I said, without law, there can be no criminals.) Who the heck would watch those? And also, Night Court, The People’s Court, Judge Judy, etc.

Also, we wouldn't have the way plausible plot of My Two Dads without Judge Margaret W. Wilbur.

• Two words: Jude Law.

• Without law, most of the role-playing sextime fantasies that couples act out wouldn’t make any sense.

“Young lady, I caught you cheating on your test.”

“I’m sorry, professor. I’ve been a bad… bad girl. What’s my punishment?”

“No law against cheating. So, you know, have a good day.”

Total Pros: 7


• If we didn’t have laws, we wouldn’t have lawyers. (Once again, Uncle Jack, this is for you.) We also wouldn’t have the kind of cops who get off on being jerks and pushing people around just because they can. (These are, I believe, the minority. Most cops are awesome dudes and dudettes who would literally take a bullet for me. If you're a cop and you're reading this, you're awesome; also, if you see a bullet coming my way, please get in its way. You're wearing a bullet proof vest, right? I'm not!)

• If we didn’t have the laws of physics, I might be able to fly. I so desperately want to fly. I might also be able to do other cool superhero sh*t. Granted, so would everyone else, which would make me being able to do it less impressive.

• If there were no laws, then when I am in the supermarket and see a food I really want to eat but don’t feel like paying for it, I can just eat it. I could eat all my meals like this!

• Our current legal system has a lot of holes in it. I grew up in the 90s’ (some may argue that I never grew up; ‘tis a valid counterpoint), and between the Rodney King verdict and OJ being found not guilty, I was like, “What is this turd crap?”

• The ridiculously exorbitant cost of malpractice insurance in certain states—like PA—have forced many good doctors to move to other states or give up their medical practice entirely.

• Two words: Judge Dread.

• LEGALIZE POT! WOOOOOOO! SPRING BREAK!!!! (Sorry, ratings for my blog have been dropping, so I’m pandering. Also, I think pot should be legal. Online gambling too. I never did anything for spring break, though.)

Total Cons: 7

7 pros, 7 cons. We have ourselves a tie. You know what? This time I’m going to leave it up to you, the readers, to decide. Leave a comment that says “I HEART LAW” or “DAMN THE MAN.” I’ll tally the votes and we’ll see if law lives to see another day.

(I know only two people read this, so it’ll likely stay a tie.)

‘Til next time, Ciao!

Dave T

P.S. I’ve decided to end the Pros and Cons blog at 30 entries. This is entry 28. I’d like to say I’m going to build up to a big finale, but I’m not. Two more, and then, poof, done. I’ll probably take a hiatus and then do a new blog that is a little less long-winded than this one.