Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Jobs

Teacher

Lawyer

Doctor

Firefighter

Professional Fart Blamer

Hitman

Taste Tester

Dancing Telegramist

Runaway Bride

Scrubbing Bubble

These are JOBS.

Don’t know what they are?

Jobs are things people do. Some are careers. Some are just ways to make money for food, clothing, and shelters. Some are responsibilities that don’t pay monies but are rewarding.

You may say, “Hold on, Dave T. Not everyone has a job. Therefore, this is not a stuff everyone has.” I disagree. Everyone has a job. Not everyone does his or her job, but we all have them. Even if you are so rich you literally don’t have to lift a finger (you pay a Bolivian child to pick your nose), you still have some function in life, whether it be philanthropy or stimulating the economy with outlandish purchases. Maybe you eat hot dogs like it’s your job. If you have no other job, that hot-dog eating will suffice for this article.

Pros:

• Jobs provide structure. Without my job, I would sleep until noon every day and get much less done. And if I didn’t have to leave my house and see people, I would shower much less often, and that can lead to molds and flus.

• Jobs teach us all kinds of skills: organizational skills, time management, political correctness and tact, multitasking, etc. Even if you hate your job and it has no intrinsic educational value, it will at least teach you how to tolerate boredom.

• Paychecks! Health insurance! Tuition reimbursement! Climate-controlled buildings! Special-occasion donuts!

• Jobs give many people a sense of identity: “I am a teacher.” “I am a biologist.” “I am an astronaut.” “I am the guy who tugs on your safety restraint before you ride a roller coaster.” And they give people a sense of accomplishment: “I got promoted to regional manager!” “I am the employee of the month!” “I went three months without being fired or arrested!” “Twenty-one days without an accidental castration, y'all!”

• Without jobs, almost no one would be fulfilled in their lives. And I’m betting that nearly all of the stuff we pay people to do would never get done, and the world would be so messy and crumbly.

• Without jobs to keep them busy, a lot of people would get into trouble and burn things out of boredom and commit sodomies and whathaveyou.

• Jobs give a shape to our year. We have certain holidays to look forward to, a vacation or two each year.

• If you want life to move more quickly, nothing makes time fly like being super busy.

• Jobs can be a great place to meet people and make friends. A lot of people even meet their spouse at work. Even more people go home with a coworker, make awkward intercourse, and then avoid the other person at work for years afterwards—but still, it’s sex!

Total Pros: 9

Cons:

• Thanks to jobs, we spend time with some social pariahs that we would never have to deal with otherwise. Uncomfortable people. Boring people. Smelly people. People who love American Idol and actually call in and vote. People who are proud of their bigotry and provincialism. Men who touch your shoulders without your consent and make innuendo with bad breath. People who forward you jokes that weren’t funny the first time they sent them to you two years ago.

• Jobs keep some brilliant minds tethered to banal tasks when they could be writing beautiful symphonies, painting masterpieces, writing plays, curing diseases, creating the ultimate pudding flavor.

• If you’re like me and wish life could slow down so you could enjoy it more, nothing makes time drag blissfully like lying on the couch watching The Price is Right and then a Golden Girls marathon while drinking ginger ale through a straw and eating crackers. I used to do that when I was sick as a kid, and I miss it.

• The world would be way greener if we only drove places when we felt like it and weren’t forced to schlep to work five days a week. And if you drive to work, you hate your commute, even if it’s only 20 minutes. If it’s 90 minutes, you probably contemplate both homicide and suicide five days a week.

• Working long hours to provide for their kids keeps a lot of good parents from getting to spend quality time with their kids. Some of those neglected kids get pregnant as teenagers, turn to drugs, rob stuff, become prostitutes, join cults. Some of them become wangstas (fake thugs) and Goths (nerdy vampires).

• Some jobs involve cleaning up stinky garbages and poops.

• Jobs lead to stress, high blood pressure, heart attacks, postal employees with machine guns. People fall down and get hurt on the job. People die in coal mine collapsings. Cops get shot and killed. Firefighters die saving people. (My one bullet point that's not meant to be funny keeps you on your toes.)

• The overwhelming majority of bosses suck, if for no other reason than they are the person who tells you what to do and it often involves working, staying late, showing up on time, not making s’mores at your desk, and the like.

Total Cons: 8

So, 9 pros, 8 cons. We need jobs. It’s hard to admit, especially since my job is like a forty-hour-a-week colonoscopy, but this is about jobs as a whole. And as a whole, they are good for us.

Also, without jobs, I fear we wouldn’t have BJs and HJs. And we really really need those.

‘Til next time, Ciao!

Dave T

Dave Terruso is half of the sketch comedy duo Animosity Pierre.