Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Memories

The first time I kissed a girl.

The first time I sang onstage in a for-serious way.

The last time I saw my grandmother.

The first day of college.

The first time I touched a boob.

The twelfth time I drove across the Walt Whitman Bridge.

The day I got my license and drove by myself.

The second time I touched a boob.

The cold dark day when I realized I could never be a robot. Oh, October 8, 2007!

The only time I let Freddy Hiccups cut my hair.

These are MEMORIES

Don’t know what they are?

Memories are things you remember. Lazy definition? Sure. Circular definition? You betcha. Do I give a guinea pig’s snout? Nope.

I’m not talking about memory here, just memories. So I won’t be discussing what it would be like if we had no memory at all, because then we’d all die in the amount of time it takes a person to starve to death because our parents wouldn’t remember that we need foods and drinks to sustain life. Or wait, even quicker: we’d die in thirty seconds since we’d forget to breathe. Or we wouldn’t even get a chance to breathe because our parents wouldn’t remember to clean the womb-soup out of our mouths. And how would our parents even be alive to have us if they didn't have memory? I have the logic-equivalent of an ice cream headache from trying to process this.

So, for the purposes of this article, we’re talking about memories that go back at least a day. You’ll need a day’s worth of memory storage to be able to survive and function in a way comparable to how we function now.

Pros:

• Memories lead to learning, and learning leads to growth. I remember that when I curse in a meeting at work, I feel like a douche and my boss scowls. Which is how I learned not to curse in meetings. Which has helped me grow into a guy-who-is-still-employed.

• Fond memories are one of the great joys in life. Opening a drawer and finding a token from an arcade you went to on vacation as a child can make your day.

• We need memories to have lasting relationships. And religions. And careers. And technology. Without memories we’d all be living in primitive huts with our families. The world would only be as big as the distance we could travel in a day. [Oh boy, I can already tell that no amount of cons will lead me to get rid of memories. Sorry to spoil the suspense.]

• Our identities are formed out of our memories. When someone asks, “Dave, who are you?” the answer doesn’t come from an innate sense of who I am. I can say “I’m an artist, a comedian, someone who likes to help people,” but I only say that because I remember all the arts I’ve created, all the jokes I’ve told, and the litany of old ladies who would still be stuck on one side of the street were it not for my assistance.

• Perhaps the best thing about memories is how they often edit out the bad things about our experiences. You remember how fun summer camp was but not the dozens of mosquito bites on your legs. You remember the awful problems with your first crappy apartment as its “character.” This is especially true of the dead. We almost always think fondly of the dead. So it’s great for people who were complete turdcakes in life.

Total Pros: 5

Cons:

• Many memories are painful. Opening a drawer and finding a picture from that one time your whole family was forced to have sex with each other at gunpoint and then you were all mugged can ruin your day. You should probably get rid of that picture. You probably shouldn’t have been taking pictures of that event anyway.

• Remember how hard you laughed the first time you saw your favorite funny movie? Or how hard your mind was blown the first time you read your favorite mystery novel? Without memories, you could have that experience over and over again! [My parents are able to do this thanks to old age. They will watch a movie that they saw three weeks earlier, and won’t remember having seen it until three minutes before it ends, when my dad will go, “Oh, we did see this. Alan Alda is the killer.”]

• Remember the giddy feeling you had on your first date with the one you love? Without memories, you could have that experience over and over again with lots of people--or even the same person! [My parents aren’t able to do this.]

• No memories means no grudges. You could stab your best friend in the face with a letter opener and visit him in the hospital the next day and borrow money from him and he’d give it to you with a smile. We’d live in a world without war.

• The flip side of memories editing out the bad things is that they often lead us to give second chances to despicable people we dated and broke up with a long time ago. Or burying the hatchet with people we used to be good friends with until they screwed us over really badly, only to have them do it again. Or re-electing George W. Bush.

Total Cons: 5

So, five pros, five cons. Even Steven. But, as I said earlier, I just can’t bring myself to get rid of memories.

I could, at best, be able to give up misty water-colored memories of the way we were. But that’s it.

‘Til next time, Ciao!

Dave T

Dave Terruso is half of the sketch comedy duo Animosity Pierre.