Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Alone Time

Are there other people around you?

If not, keep doin' what you're doin', and skip to Paragraph 4.

If so, get up and go to a place where there aren’t any people around. Hopefully you have a laptop or Windows Gameboy and can continue to read this blog entry. If you have a desktop computer, then just yell “Rape fire!” and everyone will evacuate the building. (This only works if you’re at work. If you’re at home, you should yell something that would make the people in the house want to flee. Something like, “Free chocolates down on the corner!” or “I’ve written an epic poem about my first cat. Who wants to hear me read it aloud? It has 36 cantos!”)

You’re alone. This current period for you can be labeled ALONE TIME.

[I refuse to do a Don’t-know-what-it-is? for this entry.
You can’t make me.]

Pros:

• If you don’t like other people, then alone time is awesome.

• When you act extremely silly by yourself, you can feel a sense of pride that you’re not just showing off. If you strip down to your underpants, put tube socks on your ears, and scurry around on all fours going, “I’m a good puppy! I like fetching!” and no one is there to see it, you’re a hardcore goofball.

• If you’re by yourself, you don’t have to say, “Would you like to order Chinese tonight?” If you want Chinese, then that’s the consensus. Chinese it is.

• Alone time is the perfect time to read a good book, learn to play an instrument, do a puzzle (jigsaw, crossword, etc.), clean your place, alphabetize some group of things that have letters, or get the high score/reach the top level of a video game.

• If you go somewhere alone, it’s super easy to find seating.

• Most artists require solitude to do their thang. Without alone time, we wouldn’t have Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, Caravaggio’s Calling of Saint Matthew, or Larry the Cable Guy’s Git-R-Done.

• Have you heard about this thing called masturbation?!... No, me neither. (At first I worded this bullet point to spare my parents, but upon further reflection, I couldn’t think of a single person who would want to think about me engaging in such an act.)

• By yourself? Fart all you like. Home alone? Don’t shower today. Don’t brush your teeth. Your hygiene need only be dictated by your own tolerance for yourself. Spend that time you would spend grooming watching something you DVRed. Want to wear a diaper and just poo and pee in that? You do? See, that’s abnormal.

• Once upon a time, being alone meant you couldn’t play anything but solitaire. But thanks to video games, you can play Monopoly, football, chess, shoot-stuff-with-guns, and so on.

• If you go out alone, you don’t have to pay for anyone else (a date, a niece, a mooch, etc.). If you’re home alone, you don’t have to share your box of Thin Mints with anyone.

Total Pros: 10

Cons:

• If you like other people, this state could make you feel sad.

• It’s very hard to come up with a story to tell yourself that you haven’t already heard.

• If you choke when no one’s there and can’t get to a chair to self-Heimlich, you’ll probably die.

• Whenever you’re watching the news, and you see some old lady saying, “He was a quiet man. He kept to himself mostly. Didn’t really talk much. Spent most of his time in his apartment by himself,” she’s never talking about her neighbor that found the cure for some disease, is she? No, she’s always talking about her neighbor who was arrested after the police found many elbows hidden in a bowling bag under his bed.

• If something really funny happens to you when you’re alone, and it’s a you-had-to-be-there kind of funny, then you’ll never really be able to share that experience later with someone else.

• You can’t impress anyone by knowing the answer to a Jeopardy question when you’re alone. And it’s unlikely you’ll want to tell your friends about it later, because you’d have to admit to watching Jeopardy alone like a loser.

• If you don’t like yourself, then alone time is like being trapped in a broken elevator with someone you would hate being cornered by at a party.

• There’s no chance of someone else picking up the bill if you go out alone. Well, a very slim chance that a very generous stranger will walk up and say “Let me pay for you.” Though the stranger saying this technically ends the alone time. (Also, try getting seated at a fancy restaurant at a table for one.)

• Too much alone time drives a person insane. Solitary confinement is a punishment for a reason. And if you’re ever stranded on an island, make nice with a volleyball or you’ll lose your sh*t.

• You can’t make a sex with another person when you’re alone. And sex dolls, weird gadgets, and sofas just aren’t the same.

Total Cons: 10

So, 10 Pros, 10 Cons, it’s split down the middle. And as you know, in these cases, I always go with the Pro. And even if there were more Cons, I’d still be pro-alone time. It’s an important part of having an identity as a human.

Don’t be one of those people who needs someone around when they're doing their laundry. Own your alone time.

Til next time, Ciao!

Dave T

Dave Terruso is half of the sketch comedy duo Animosity Pierre.