dave's blog

Dave T’s Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Poops

Eat some food. Any kind of food you like. Wash it down with some water. Wait. Feel that sensation in your butthole that says “There are occupants in here that wish to evacuate your premises?” Go to a bathroom. Close the door behind you. Drop your pants and underpants. Sit on the toilet. Push down with your stomach while concentrating on your butthole. Stuff will come out. Stand up and behold the brown snake in the bowl (or the black snake, or the yellow thin snake, or the broken up water bits of unsnakeliness).

This is POOPS

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Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Memories

The first time I kissed a girl.

The first time I sang onstage in a for-serious way.

The last time I saw my grandmother.

The first day of college.

The first time I touched a boob.

The twelfth time I drove across the Walt Whitman Bridge.

The day I got my license and drove by myself.

The second time I touched a boob.

The cold dark day when I realized I could never be a robot. Oh, October 8, 2007!

The only time I let Freddy Hiccups cut my hair.

These are MEMORIES

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Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Debts

There are three vowels that, when strung together, mean something that sucks: I O U.

I'm talking about DEBTS

Don’t know what they are?

Merriam Webster defines debt as “something owed.” Simple enough.

The country is in financial peril. Subprime loans tanked Wall Street. At the moment I type this sentence, the national debt is $11,821,600,143,482.00! Almost twelve trillion clams. But not clams. American dollars.

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Dave T’s Pros And Cons Of Stuff Everyone Has: Fears

I’m never going to find true love.

I missed out on the best opportunity of my life and it won’t come around again.

I’m going to choke on a cookie when no one’s around to give me the Heimlich.

A pedophile will kidnap my daughter at the playground.

Freddy Krueger is going to slash me up in my dreams.

These are FEARS.

Don’t know what they are?

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