dave's blog

Go to your local gunnery and pick yourself up a gun. Nothing fancy, just a .22 or whatever. And buy bullets. Live rounds, no blanks.

When you get home, go sit in your tub buck naked and load your new gun. Aim the gun at either of your pinky toes, depending on which one you like less (or which one you stub more). Pull the trigger, blowing off said little piggy.

Feel that awful sensation that starts in your toe hole and works its way up to your brain? That’s PAIN.

Get up from your computer and go run around the block for five minutes. I’ll wait.

…

…

Okay, now, touch your forehead.

Feel those beads of water? That is SWEAT.

Don’t know what it is?

Sweat is a mixture of water, sodium, chloride, potassium, and other minerals. It is produced by sweat glands. An average human has two to four million sweat glands. On average, women have more sweat glands than men, but male sweat glands are more active.

But, Dave, you say (before I’ve even written a word, I might add), I am a nudist, and I never wear clothes, so this is not a stuff everyone has. And I say to you: nonsense. I say: poppycock. I say: pshaw. I say: hogwash. At some point in every human’s life, he or she has worn CLOTHES.

I turned 30 on May 26. I had a BIRTHDAY. And it inspired today’s post.

Don’t know what they are?

Yes you do. You do so know what they are.

For the purpose of this article, we’re discussing the keeping track/celebration of a birthday and not just having a day on which you were born, which is seemingly unavoidable.

Pros:

Go look in a mirror. Look at the area above your eyes. See those sideways Cs (or maybe one long sideways I)? Those are your eyebrows. They are made up of HAIRS.

I chose eyebrows because that’s a place nearly everyone has hairs. If you don’t have any hairs there, you may be suffering from alopecia universalis (all-over-the-place baldness).

Don’t know what they are?

Sniff. Do you smell anything? If you smell anything, that thing that you smell is called a SMELL.

(I could use “odor” and it would make a lot of these sentences flow better. But I won’t. Instead, I’ll give you a final count on how many times I use the word smell in this article.)

I’m not talking about your dream of curing cancer and being honored the world over with statues, monuments, and all kinds of free sh*t. I’m not talking about your dream of being able to fly so you’ll never have to drive the Schuylkill Expressway ever again. I’m not talking about your dream of getting to act opposite a Muppet in a Hollywood film. I’m talking about actual DREAMS.

Don’t know what they are?

Lift up your shirt. If you have on an undershirt, lift that as well. Ladies, if you’re wearing Spanx, push them down to your waist. Gentlemen, if you’re wearing Spanx, stop it. Now look at the middle of your belly about three-quarters of the way down. See that hole? Don’t rush to the ER. That’s your BELLY BUTTON.

Don’t know what it is?

Look at your hand. On the tips of your fingers (the long tubey things) you’ll see kinda shiny, kinda clear, hard things shaped like the face-shields on space suits. Those are FINGERNAILS.

Don’t know what they are?

Fingernails are basically shells that cover the tips of fingers. They’re made up of a protein called keratin (also found in hair, hooves, claws, feathers, beaks, etc.).

Okay, so, welcome to my new column, “Dave T’s Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has.”

Our first item: WATER.

Don’t know what it is?

You don’t know what water is? How the heck did you get an internet provider to come out and install a modem or Cable/DSL connection or wireless hot spot under a rock?