Comedy

Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Lies

The check is in the mail.

Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

I swear this is the first time this has ever happened to me.

Those pants make you look way skinny.

How old am I?... 27.

Of course I’m a virgin.

I did not… have… sexual… relations with that woman.
(That’s for you, Republicans!)

Everything G.W. ever said.
(That’s for you, Democrats, Independents, Green Party members, Whigs, and the like!)

That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
(That’s for you, paranoid conspiracy theorists!)

Oswald acted alone.

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Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Sleeps

At the end of a long day, you come home. You watch some TV, maybe read a book. Or work on your ship in a bottle. Or cut letters out of a magazine to make a ransom note.

Then you get into your pajamas, or just a T-shirt and undies, or just nakedness, and you get into bed. You shut the light. You close your eyes. You drift away.

You wake up in the morning. Or, if you work nights, maybe you wake up in the afternoon. You could really wake up at any point in the day.

And you do this pretty much every day of your life.

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Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Prejudices

Asians are bad drivers.

Asians are good at math.

All Italians are in the mob.

Italians are great lovers.

All Irish people are alcoholics.

Irish people are friends with leprechauns and know the whereabouts of various pots of gold around the world.

Ecuadorians can’t correctly use any word longer than five letters.

Lithuanian people explode if you hug them too forcefully.

If you tip back a Zimbabwean’s head, giant Pez comes out of his or her neck.

Robots don’t like the sound of running water.

Martians are obsessed with American boy bands, particularly 98 Degrees.

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Dave T’s Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Poops

Eat some food. Any kind of food you like. Wash it down with some water. Wait. Feel that sensation in your butthole that says “There are occupants in here that wish to evacuate your premises?” Go to a bathroom. Close the door behind you. Drop your pants and underpants. Sit on the toilet. Push down with your stomach while concentrating on your butthole. Stuff will come out. Stand up and behold the brown snake in the bowl (or the black snake, or the yellow thin snake, or the broken up water bits of unsnakeliness).

This is POOPS

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Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Memories

The first time I kissed a girl.

The first time I sang onstage in a for-serious way.

The last time I saw my grandmother.

The first day of college.

The first time I touched a boob.

The twelfth time I drove across the Walt Whitman Bridge.

The day I got my license and drove by myself.

The second time I touched a boob.

The cold dark day when I realized I could never be a robot. Oh, October 8, 2007!

The only time I let Freddy Hiccups cut my hair.

These are MEMORIES

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Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Debts

There are three vowels that, when strung together, mean something that sucks: I O U.

I'm talking about DEBTS

Don’t know what they are?

Merriam Webster defines debt as “something owed.” Simple enough.

The country is in financial peril. Subprime loans tanked Wall Street. At the moment I type this sentence, the national debt is $11,821,600,143,482.00! Almost twelve trillion clams. But not clams. American dollars.

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