I’m not talking about your dream of curing cancer and being honored the world over with statues, monuments, and all kinds of free sh*t. I’m not talking about your dream of being able to fly so you’ll never have to drive the Schuylkill Expressway ever again. I’m not talking about your dream of getting to act opposite a Muppet in a Hollywood film. I’m talking about actual DREAMS.
Don’t know what they are?
Lift up your shirt. If you have on an undershirt, lift that as well. Ladies, if you’re wearing Spanx, push them down to your waist. Gentlemen, if you’re wearing Spanx, stop it. Now look at the middle of your belly about three-quarters of the way down. See that hole? Don’t rush to the ER. That’s your BELLY BUTTON.
Don’t know what it is?
Look at your hand. On the tips of your fingers (the long tubey things) you’ll see kinda shiny, kinda clear, hard things shaped like the face-shields on space suits. Those are FINGERNAILS.
Don’t know what they are?
Fingernails are basically shells that cover the tips of fingers. They’re made up of a protein called keratin (also found in hair, hooves, claws, feathers, beaks, etc.).
Okay, so, welcome to my new column, “Dave T’s Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has.”
Our first item: WATER.
Don’t know what it is?
You don’t know what water is? How the heck did you get an internet provider to come out and install a modem or Cable/DSL connection or wireless hot spot under a rock?